Don’t Cry For Me Argentina
I have never watched nor been fond of The Bachelor/Bachelorette franchise on ABC. I think it’s something about watching everyday people looking to find love that just doesn’t appeal to me. I mean, give me Flavor Flav or Bret Michaels on VH1 any day. A show about Joe/Jill Good-Lookings trying to jump start their music/modeling/acting/hosting career by masking it in a quest for true love, please - I’ll pass. At least the of Love girls have enough respect for the viewers to put on a good show….while trying to jump start their music/modeling/acting/hosting careers.
After boycotting the show for the 20 or so seasons it has been on, my roommate made me watch the season premiere last week. Just as I suspected, it’s not my favorite. But before I can write off the show completely, I came to a glaringly obvious conclusion….
Reasons Why I Will Never Be Chosen to Be “The Bachelorette:”
-I bite my nails. I imagine The B would need to have cleanly polished fingers at all times, given the number of heart-felt handshakes required of her.
-I don’t have a bubbly personality – people wouldn’t like or root for me.
-I don’t think a first date should require a wannabe prom dress. Maybe it’s just me, but whatever happened to jeans and a movie?
-My sarcasm is lost on most people. It could get awkward….
-My nickname in the press would likely be “The Double B” (The Bitch Bachelorette). How’s that for marketing?
-Call me crazy and unconventional, but I’d get rid of the douchebags first. I couldn’t keep them on for mere rating points. It would never work for I have an innate gift in recognizing douchebagery. The moment I’d spot a DB, I’d quickly unleash my ball-busting charm upon them, which would easily outwit them, and cause their soul to crush on national television. And no one likes to see a guy cry…
-I don’t have a good poker face when it comes to awkward introductions or conversations. You’d see how uncomfortable, irritated or disgusted I might be after hearing some of those guys talk.
I now understand why I never got the callback from my audition tape. It was never written in the stars for me to be the next Bachelorette.
